Okay, sorry. Had to.
Well, hello world! My name is Bry. I am a freshman college student majoring in Business and Computer Engineering. Sounds crazy, I know. But I'm a logical person--aka, I like math. And I'm good at it, so I'm making a career with it. I'm realizing, however, that my creative side is being slightly repressed and needs an outlet. One of the things I also discovered is that I LOVE movies. Not a particularly unique trait, but hey, can you blame me? Another thing I noticed is that I like to think about movies, kinda analyze them, and I have some strong opinions that I'd like to talk about. I'd like to be a movie critic on the side. Maybe even a book critic, as I also love to read, but movies are a bigger medium and are more accessible.
So, here we are. And to make this review/discussion system work, I decided to make this interesting by making my rating system a little different: instead of stars, thumbs up, etc., I like to call my system Spoon, Fork, or Knife. Where did this come from? I'll tell you:
Have you ever played the game Marry, Shag, or Kill? You pick three people (friends or strangers) and decide which one you would marry, which one you would kill, and which one you would shag (aka, one night stand). Pretty straight forward. Well, I played that with my friends a few times, and it's kinda obvious. When you look at a person and say, "Marry," or, "Kill," there's a chance they'll figure it out. Awkward. So, after numerous transgressions, we translated Marry to Spoon, because you "spoon with" someone you love and probably marry; Kill to Knife, for hopefully obvious reasons; and Fork to Shag, because apparently, forking==shagging.
How does this translate to movies? I have decided there are generally three categories to rate movies. First, there are those that no one should ever see and you waste your time seeing them. Second, there are "one night stand" movies (see where this is going yet?) that you watch once, are entertained, and may or may not ever watch again. Then, there are long-term relationship movies, that you love and will watch again and again, even over years and years, because they are just that amazing.
Do you see? (Red Dragon, anyone?)
Spoon==long term movies. Great pieces that emotionally affect you and make you think. Ones you will come back to often. Make up the top...16% or so.
Fork==one night stand. Entertaining but there is no lasting impression.
*Now I'll deviate and concede that there are, in fact, four categories total. Within forking, there are good forks and bad forks.
Bad forks==okay, so-so, but you'll watch it to say you watched it.
Good forks==good, not great, definitely see them.
About 68% of movies fall into Forking. It's a pretty general category, but doesn't it make sense? Not many pieces of art or entertainment really affect you passionately towards hate or love. Most are average. After all, you can't be above average if someone isn't average. It's not bad, I promise. It's not that great, though. Anyway....
Okay, and last:
Knife==do not see this movie. The CIA uses it to torture potential terrorists. The bottom 16% of the world's movies hit this category. Getting it is embarrassing for everyone.
**See Disclaimer at bottom
By the way, the percentages are statistical references. Again, math nerd here. If you know statistics, think -1 to +1 standard deviations from the mean create the Forkers. +1 std. dev. and up create the Spooners, and -1 std. dev. and down create the Knifers.
To those unfortunate souls who happen across here, and to the determined or bored souls who have reached this point, I hope you agree with my system, or at least get it.
Now, on to the good stuff. To remind you, I am a college student. Resources are iffy for me. Bringing me to another point: Netflix is the greatest invention next to TiVo/DVR. My Instant Queue has 100+ items, and will continue to grow. I may never get to some of these things, but I try. And IMDB.com is the greatest website ever made. So, that said, I am open to suggestions of movies to watch and review. But if I can't get to it, I can't get to it. Nothing personal, it just happens. If you want to send me the movie via some sort of file (cough cough, *legally*) I'm game. Also, I want to hear your own input on movies. I like that as well.
I will go in depth on more movies, and I will bounce around the timeline to review whatever I feel like doing. Here's an idea of what I like and do. This is a random, off-the-top-of-my-head list of movies:
Tangled: SPOON SPOON SPOON. Seen it four times, and would still watch it again willingly. Funny, sweet, exciting, beautiful, not too girly, modern, and overall just awesome. Then again, Disney Movies generally amount to Spooning. After all, if I say, "Let's get down to business," what do you think? If it's something along the lines of "Huns," then you're good. Otherwise, I'm sorry, you're out of the cultural loop. In a bad way.
Paranormal Activity: Hm..........I want to say Spoon, because it's amazing, but once you've seen it, it's not so scary anymore. Well, surprise-scary. I'm still hiding and crying every time there's an usual sound in my house. Especially when I'm alone. That's genius right there: Take the normal sounds of a house (bangs, creaks, and so on) and make you scream and cry when you hear them. And make a single low note the most suspenseful thing ever. The second one is scarier, but not as genius. It's a one night stand deal for both, but more like Super-Duper Awesome Forking!!!!!! The one night stand of a movie you'll never forget.
Avatar (the blue version): Fork it Good. As in, great visuals, great music, terrible story, terrible execution, boring characters who are flatter than Flatty McFlattyton. But I appreciate the work it took to make it. If only they'd made a good movie....
Saw: Spoon. The first one only, though. The second wasn't bad, more of a forky kind. Brutal, clever, dark, heavy, intriguing and just fantastic. Gotta be in the mood, though, of course.
Classics: Spoon; they're classics for a reason. Gone With the Wind, It's a Wonderful Life, Casablanca. There are more, and they have a very high average of Spooners.
The Last Airbender: Do I need to say it? KNIFE KNIFE KNIFE. For the greatest TV show ever made, it takes a lot of talent to make a bad movie. Apparently M Knight Shamy...Shamalyn...Shamoo(sp) has it (I'm really sorry, I forgot how to spell the name. My bad). And this is the guy who made Sixth Sense, Signs, and Unbreakable! Those are all Spooners! Then again, lately he's lost his touch. I haven't seen Lady in the Water or The Happening, but I've heard enough to know they're not doing what the others did. I will watch them, though, to make an honest judgment. Please, sir, get it back. And stop putting yourself in movies so much.
Let's see...........OH I know: Slasher Movies that feature stupid high school/college kids who party, get naked and drunk, then die: Fork it Bad. They're fun on Halloween, but there's not an attempt to make it good or even scary. Come on! Step it up!
Now for movies that I recommend that may or may not be known to you:
Session 9: Fork it Good. I found it on Netflix randomly and went for it. It's about a team of asbestos removers working on an insane asylum. It's really weird, but creepy creepy creepy. And kinda fun. If you're looking for a new horror that's a little fresh, go for it.
Mary and Max: SPOON. Oh my goodness, Spoon this movie. Eat it up. It's claymation, but not a kid's movie. It deals with the harsh realities of life in the form of a child's storybook. Which, I think, is fantastic and magical storytelling. Death, alcoholism, depression, and everything like that are described in a way that doesn't actually hurt when it happens. It's dealt with in a more innocent, frank way. Childlike. And then, it hits you, and you bawl your eyes out. Or cheer. Or both. This movie, about a lonely girl in Australia accidentally becoming pen pals with a middle-aged autistic man in New York made me cry, cheer, and almost scream in fear. And I don't do that. Tearjerkers don't really work on me. This is real in an unreal way. Watch it.
Amelie: Spoon. Gorgeous soundtrack, wonderful story, great characters. It's told like a child's story, kinda like a fairytale, which makes it magical. An imaginative woman in France ends up trying to help others, like playing matchmaker, and finds herself possibly finding true love. Amazing classical tale. Beautiful.
Elling: Spooooooon. I watched this in Psychology and fell in love. It's about two men who are trying to adapt to life after being in a mental hospital for years. It's sweet, funny, touching and Norwegian. Wonderful tale.
Okay, not a bad start. Reviews will be more in depth for sure, but this is a good taste.
As my favorite professor says, Stay Crispy.
*****DISCLAIMER. #1. (to reference my favorite RHPS show, Forget Disclaimer #1!!!) I am not associated with any movie company or any company of any kind. These ideas are my own.
#2. (Forget Disclaimer #2!!!) I don't approve of one night stands, or for that matter killing anyone. The metaphors are just metaphors that seem to fit :)